Building a happy and healthy life starts with putting in strong health foundations.

We’re all better and healthier people if we have good sleep, eat nutritious food and exercise regularly.

But one missing link when it comes to building a happier and healthier life is building healthy relationships.

Too often they are sacrificed for the chase of more material success or monetary wealth. 

The Harvard University has been researching human health and happiness for over 85 years. The most consistent finding was that positive relationships keep us happier, healthier and help us live longer. 

Positive relationships start with positive connection. 

 

What is connection? 

The most important foundational need for humans is connection.

One of the most obvious reasons is that in childhood it’s vital for our survival but I think it’s more than that.

Having quality connection with someone important in our lives makes us feel good. It’s a combination of feeling valued, supported, safe, secure and fully seen and accepted as your authentic self. 

For this to happen, these things need to work both ways. If you can’t offer these things, then it’s unlikely that you’ll receive them.

Another part of healthy connection is being able to see the best in someone. This doesn’t mean ignoring their flaws. It’s about fully accepting someone as they are, alongside mutual respect for each other’s strengths and qualities.  

This starts with being able to see your own positive character traits but also accept your own flaws and imperfections. This forms part of healthy self-esteem and a positive relationship with yourself. Without a healthy relationship with yourself you will struggle to build healthy, happy and secure relationships with others.

 

Mistaking attachment with connection 

Sometimes we mistake attachment with authentic healthy connection. 

Have you ever tried to develop a relationship but feel like you can’t fully be yourself? 

You may feel like you can’t fully share your thoughts or emotions as you’re worried how the other person might react or what they might think. 

You feel you must hide certain parts of yourself to be accepted. 

This is common because we naturally want to hide the parts of ourselves that make us feel vulnerable. 

But without vulnerability there cannot be understanding and connection.

This is an example of sacrificing authentic connection for attachment. 

The reasons for this likely go back to how healthy your attachments were to your primary caregivers in childhood. You may subconsciously repeat unhealthy attachment behaviours from childhood by bringing them into your current relationships. This can be worked on through therapy and building your self-awareness, but takes both people in the relationship to look at themselves and their behaviours.

 

Relationship problems

Building relationships is something we take for granted until we start to have problems such as: 

• Feeling disconnected or lonely 
• Constant conflict without repair
• Avoiding difficult conversations 
• Feeling anxious around the other person
• Feeling judged 
• Frequent criticism 
• Not taking responsibility for each other’s role in conflict
• Contempt 
• Little empathy or understanding 

By building better understanding and connection, you can move towards repair and build healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

 

The barrier to connection 

The thing we need most in life is healthy relationships.

The thing we seem to neglect most in life is relationships.

Connecting in deep and meaningful ways is a vital part of building positive and healthy relationships. 

Unfortunately, our modern society undermines connection.

Many of us are over worked and time poor.

We may have chronic stress, and if we have a chance to talk and open up, we are too tired and distracted to do so. 

It takes work to prioritise the time and be fully engaged with someone.

So, we conclude, there just isn’t time.

When we start to see the positive impact our relationships can have on our lives, we start to see the value in making time. 

 

“The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships.”

Esther Perel 

 

Connection needs understanding 

We make many assumptions about what others are thinking and feeling. 

We do this because our minds are constantly trying to make short cuts, figure out the world and predict outcomes.

We do this through very little information and what information we do have, we process through our own minds.

Our minds have been moulded through our own unique life experiences, so we can start to see why it can be so hard to understand someone else. 

A place to start is by having the philosophy to seek to understand before seeking to be understood. 

The better we learn to shut down our impulse to talk and turn on our ability to actively listen, the better we will understand.

To understand a person is to understand their thoughts and feelings. It’s to understand their subjective experiences, not just the objective event or situation.

If you go into your conversations with a curious mindset by asking good questions and fully listening to the answers, you’ll be able to start to understand the world through their lens which will build greater connection.

Fully listening isn’t the same as being quiet. You can be quiet and not listen.

Actively listening to someone means being fully present and engaged in what they’re saying, without distraction. (Tip - put your phone away).

In our distracted world, the best gift and compliment you can give someone is your time and full attention. 

 

Being pragmatic 

You might not want to sit down and have deep conversations each night. By making the effort to ask a few thoughtful questions and fully listen may only take a short time but can go a long way. 

Another strategy is to book in a specific time and location to sit and chat. The more peaceful the better. This gives you an opportunity to make more space for each of you to open up and talk freely.  

There is no right or wrong way to go about this. Maybe try sharing things about your past experiences, current struggles or things you’re excited about. 

The main thing to remember is to fully listen, ask questions and be curious and have the intent to understand and avoid judgment.

Relationships are complex and messy. The path to healthy connection and relationships is rarely an easy or linear one. It’s full of many difficult emotions and challenges but if you want a happy and healthy life, it’s the most valuable and meaningful journey you can go on. 

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