How can relationships improve your mental health and wellbeing? 

Your health is a constant complex interplay of many areas of your life. Every area has an influence on another. Healthy relationships are one of the key areas that can get overlooked when trying to improve your health and wellbeing. Relationships influence your behaviours, emotions and thoughts. Emotions and thoughts can influence sleep, food choices and exercise habits. Sleep, food choices and exercise habit affect how you feel about yourself and your life.  
 
No one is an island. We need good people in our lives. It’s something that makes us intrinsically feel good. This is because we all have a foundational need for connection.  

A happy and healthy life consists of good relationships. This can be romantically, with friends or family.  

But there can be times when relationships don’t feel good. They may start to crumble and fall apart. They can feel incredibly stressful. Your communication may break down and slowly you become two individuals who are moving in different directions. This can cause a lot of emotional distress and knock onto other areas of your life.  
 
Image trying to figure out a new computer software, with your only previous experience watching other people use it. You subconsciously copy their behaviour, both positive and negative. You then get frustrated that the computer doesn’t do what you want and blame the computer. Overtime you start to realise that you weren’t born with this knowledge and have had poor examples shown to you, so you decide to start to get some better education. 
You learn the foundations and slowly gather more knowledge. When things don’t go right you don’t blame the computer or yourself. You simply understand it may take time. 
 
This analogy is far from perfect because our relationships aren’t simple and unlike computers there isn’t a specific formula. They are messy and complicated, but I use this analogy to illustrate that if you want to get a better outcome, you need to start with you. 

This means firstly being open to the idea that your parents and role models might not have shown you the best examples of a healthy relationship. They likely did their best but by default of being human, they would have passed on unhelpful beliefs and ways of manging personal relationships. Hopefully they also passed on some positive beliefs and traits about relationships but without understanding their influence on you then you’ll be left with your childhood programming.   Learning about yourself and how your previous experiences have influenced you can be a game changer in building healthy relationships. 

So, a healthy relationship starts with you.  

What kind of relationship do you have with yourself?  

Having a healthy self-esteem increases the chances of building a healthy and secure relationship. This is because it’s impossible to build a healthy relationship with another person without having a healthy relationship with yourself. For many of us this may be a work in progress, much like building a good relationship with someone else.  

How to know if you’re struggling with your self-esteem? 

You might use lots of negative self-talk and struggle to see your strengths and the value you offer others. You may struggle setting healthy boundaries and end up putting other people’s needs before your own.  

You may creep into constant people pleasing and be unable to entertain that some people may dislike you.  

You may be constantly striving for accomplishments and outside validation to feel good about yourself. 

A healthy self-esteem allows you to acknowledge your strengths but also accept your insecurities, flaws and weaknesses. You can quieten your ego and not always feel you need to have the last word.  

You can express what you’re thinking and feeling without being worried that you’ll be judged or persecuted.  
 

How you feel about yourself and your level of self-awareness will affect the type of people you attract into your life. 

Have you taken a balanced perspective as to why your previous relationships failed?  

This means acknowledging your role in previous breakups as well as your ex-partner’s role. 

Have you spent time thinking about what you want from a relationship?  

Working on yourself by building your self-esteem and self-awareness will increase the chances of creating a meaningful and healthy relationship.  

What does an unhealthy relationship look like?  

Here are a few things to look out for: 

Co-dependency – A excessive emotional or psychological reliance on your partner.  

Having a constant need for reassurance. 

Desperate to keep the relationship together at all costs even if you are the only one putting in the effort. No one can single handedly heal a relationship.  

Need for control – always having to be in charge, get your own way or being unable to compromise. 

You keep a score card – if I do something for you, then you should do something for me.  

Being avoidant or fiercely independent – pulling away and avoiding all difficult conversations and conflict, maybe to the extent of stonewalling. Being unable to rely on or fully trust anyone.  

Contant criticism – unable to communicate in a kind and thoughtful way. Always looking at the negative aspects of your partner with little gratitude or appreciation for their value. 
 Defensiveness – seeing everything as a personal attack. Becoming a victim to avoid taking responsibility. Unable to apologise. A cheap apology is a throw away comment, but a true apology is said in a meaningful and caring way.  

All these things stem from insecurity, which only emphasises the need to work on yourself first. Doing this work can be challenging and you’ll likely need the support of a coach or counsellor.  

What does a healthy relationship look like? 
 
You feel like your emotions are validated. You feel safe to express them and both people take responsibility for their behaviours and how they react to their emotions.  

You both prioritise your own self-care but also put equal commitment and energy into the relationship. 

Mutual respect – you treat each other like equals, your thoughts and opinions are valued and considered. You hold each other in high regard.  

You have similar life values and priorities. 

You can fully experience joy, laughter and fun but also difficult times and moments of worry, stress, sadness and grief. 
 
You can be yourself. 

You feel understood and listened to.  

You are part of a supportive team. You support each other unconditionally and can both 100% rely on each other. Your actions are in line with your words. 

You bring the best out in each other.  

You can forgive and not hold onto resentment.  

You have affection and intimacy.  

 
You can build trust and a deeper connection over time by open and honest communication. At times this will involve a level of vulnerability which is uncomfortable. 
 
You are able to park your judgements and opinions and be compassionate. 
 
You acknowledge neither of you are perfect and have your flaws, but you can also see each other’s strengths and the value each of you bring to the relationship. You both feel appreciated.  
 
Together you can adapt to change.   

You can repair conflict and can accept a difference in certain values or opinions. Even though you disagree, you can still communicate with kindness and respect.  
 
You actively listen to each other. This means paying attention to what is being said and how words are being expressed, rather than just being quiet.  

You can have difficult conversations about past experiences, sex, money, boundaries, insecurities, wants and needs.   

You have quality time together but can also have quality time apart.  

You feel calm and at peace together.  

You see the value in having experiences together but also apart.  
 

No relationship is perfect. We all have things to work on. No relationship goes without challenges and difficulties. This is because no one is perfect, and life is not perfect. There will be mistakes and hurt feelings. There will be conflict and disagreements. These can all form part of a healthy relationship because hard times can build a stronger and more resilient relationship.  

A healthy relationship isn’t one that simply stands the test of time (we all know plenty of people who would be far happier and healthier if they separated from their partner) but one which involves two people wanting to repair, take responsibility for their actions and ultimately grow and develop their relationship so it continues to flourish in the ups and downs of life.  

While this article is mainly talking about romantic relationships, many of these points apply to any close and meaningful relationship in your life.  

No one has this all figured out, even if some relationships may seem like sunshine and rainbows from the outside. Behind closed doors, many people may be struggling.  

Working on your relationships will be one of the most worthwhile endeavours in your life. It will positively impact your health and wellbeing. 

The key take home here is this, the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the relationship with yourself.  Without a healthy relationship with yourself you’ll struggle to build healthy and secure relationships with others.  
 

If you’re struggling in any of these areas, then seeing a counsellor, one to one or as a couple, can be a game changer. 

If you'd like to get in touch with James our life coach for more information click here